I dont know what to write. I have this urge to write but my fingers feel so heavy and my head so empty. I'm warning you all, my angst -writings probably will start again. so you can just ignore them. Why, you might ask. Well again these negative changes happen and i feel down and this is my way to handle it.

You know what's difference between you and me? You are at least trying to get over me, I dont even want to get over you! Why I would want to get over something that I have loved, no I still loving? Why wouldI want to get rid of it? Tell me. I mean, I also have these ultimate love feelings for someone that I cant even get and I'm not trying to get over it just because it's doomed to not succeed. So why would you be different? Our relationship has been doomed to be hard since we started, and I'm not trying to get over it, I'm trying to live whit it. Thats our difference, u know. I try to live with things I dont like, or I cant have, or I even hate. You are trying to get over them. When someone dies you have to live with it, not get over it. If you get over it you are just hurting your self.

U know what I'm doing righ now? I'm listening ALLL the wonderfull songs that we used to listen, just because I WANT to rip aaaaall my inner scars wide open and get more hurt so the pain wont be actual pain anymore, it will be just part of me then. I havent cried yet, almost, but not yet. I know it's coming, it's almost there knoking. Guess what, I have these "powers to predict" what will happen in future. And I think I will go down to the depression where I were just last autum, maybe even worse. All days just blurr together and I have no idea what I have done yesterday or even hour ago. All I knew that there was this huge hole trough me that hurts so badly, just me and all my toughts. And after few days I cant keep it inside of me anymore and keep up the "I'm fine :)" -look, then mom starts to notice I might not be okay and things wont be that great anymore. Then I'm in trouble. Now your probably thinking that all this is your fault and I'm blaming you? huh, no. I'm not. The one that I blaim is in the mirror everythime i look in there, and who's fault this is? mine aswell, I could GET OVER IT and continue my life, but I prefer rolling in my own hate and anger and lust and pain, so much more fun than life.

I think most ironic in this is that I'm still not so much in touch with her. I mean I we are both pretty unsure what will happen, will we keep seeing or will we keep being not so much in touch and see rarely. And your being already jealous and dumping me? And then after that I'm not sure are you doing it on purpose but posting these provoking pics in tumblr and writing in your journal. It actually hurts me so bad, you cant even omagine how much. If you can imagine how happy I become some tiny thing, and you know how much happiness I get of something and how daraquunish they are, me and my overnormal feelings, well imagine them as reverse. Yes my feelings are in high levels were they anything. I love you more than I love Paul Wesley (and you have seen my drooling with your own eyes) and now I'm just nothing, I mean my pieces that I has are now broken so I dont have nothing left. Just empty shell. But like I said I'm not blaming you from this situation, only thing that I blame you is breaking my heart. I knew that this day would come (once again) but I didnt assume it so soon. You say your strong enough to be the one that leave. Well guess what, I think leaving is like the most easiest opition. You say you have no choise, you have you just dont want to take the risk that you get hurt (and loved) again. You say we are going around this circle again, well it doesent have to repeat it self, you can change it. Apparently your not strong enought to try. I have said billions of times how much I have changed myself because of you, you havent. I not saying you havent change, I say you havent said it for me. You know the only thing I want to change in you. You say you have tried, and sometimes succeeded. Well keep trying, or am I not worth it? I know I have lost your trust many times, but I have warned you about it, many times. But guess what, You have broke my trust few times too. And thats why I still cant trust in you. Our friend once told me that I need to build that trust back and love you because she knows I can do it, and she knows we are meant to be together. Guess when she said that? Right after she told you had cheated me with her. I was really really broken, and I never actualy told you that she told me, and I tried to ask about it from you gently. You never told me the truth, and I know a lot of thing about you that you have kept in dark from me, and I have tried to ask you about them, well not right about them, but like "Hey did you have fun yesterday? :) What did you do?" and I actually knew all what you had done, just you usually lied for me. It hurts me still knowing it. And when I ask you have you ever lied to me, or said that you can tell me everything I approve it even if was anything, but I will approve it if you tell me. Do you know what feelings it brings up to me? I think you dont trust me, and I'm not worth for your trust and your things and I'm just a nobody thats doesent have to know anything. I feel terrible, then I start to think why? Are you scared of me, I wouldnt hurt you. If I say you can tell anything, it really means it. Thats why I'm being honest of why I see and what I do, because I dont want that bush radio will tell it. I might have lost your trust, but it's because I'm honest.