I actually wrote this up in my notebook, so I could remember it later. My mind is so blurred and messed up right now so I cannot think anything propeply.

I still miss you so bad,

And I want to see you

One last time.

But I not sure could

I take the pain that

it will give me.

I just want to repet over and over

how sorry I am.

And still,

I'm terribly in love with you.

I want to keep saying that too.

After all,

I cannot do any of these.

All that come out is tears.

I just want you,

Only thing that I deny from my self,

you.

And the only thing I want more than everything.

So sorry for all the pain I cause.

But we had all good times too,

right?

I just got your message today,

it made me cry.

Pff....

what does not make me cry?

I could list all the song I have listen over and over and over again.

I know all the words,

and all the words hit me so bad inside of me.

Am I over reacting?

Am I being a dramaqueen in you eyes?

I rarely show my real feelings,

just being "fine".

Now that I'm not fine,

am I just "attencion whore"?

Because I know,

no, I hope

that you two also are sad.

But I hope that your not unhappy.

But I think it's hard to belive you are sad.

Tought I'm not hoping for you to show it.

Oh, I'm being too complicated again,

I'm not even understanding my self anymore.

I dont know what I want.

Well I know one thing that I want,

I have been dreaming for it for couple of days now.

I want to hug you so tight,

and say I'm sorry.

D'uh,

I need to stop saying that,

It wont change a thing anymore.

And yesterday.

I started to think all good things we used to have.

And I realized once again how ass I have been.

I loved most one tiny thing you did.

Guess what it was?

I loved so much to

wake up in the mornign for that

your cold fingers were on my cheek and

you kissed me and

said "good morning honey".

It was something I will always going to miss.

Now everytime I wake

I hope you would be sitting on my bed

and looking at me.

I so wish it.

I probably never said it out loud.

I should've have.

I never say out loud if I like someting that you do,

I just keep saying how stupid things you do and

what I dont like.

I might have even told you why,

well first because I'm crappy to show my emotions

and second

I dont say nice things out loud because

I'm afraid they will disappear after that.

And even tought I wont say them they still

disappear, because I didnt say them.

Ironic, isn't it?

All I have left of you is

pile of papers.

I read all of them over and over.

And wished they would still be true.

I cant belive them anymore,

I just wish.

Are you doing these poems to her now?

Is she your life now?

The one that takes you breath away?

Or is she your Jacob?

I started to read New Moon again,

I think it wasnt best choise,

but still I want to keep hurting my self in that way.

So I know I'm not just imagine.

"the pain reminds me that he was real"

I just change one word and it would be correct.

And am I theatric if I say I can relate to that book?

In all three characters.

Edward, because I have been that cold ass,

and because I'm so martyristik.

Bella, because I fucking know how hurt I am,

and how lost I am.

Jake, because I'm the third weel.

The sad part is that I dont have happy ending,

well, "dont worry it will go away"

thats what everyone keeps saying to me.

It will go away, I admit it.

But it will take a lot of time,

since I have no Jacob in my life.

By Jacob I mean

I dont have my own sun,

the one that cures me from this shit.

I dont have Bella or Roxas no more in my life.

Mom noticed today I'm not fine.

She saw the horrible scar of mine.

And she was sad,

I could see it in her.

Of couse she's worrying of me,

I am her daugter after all.

She left away today.

I'm all alone in this house for the weekend.

She asked me many time do I want her to stay here.

I said no, no, no,no.

I saw the dissapointment and worry in her eyes.

She's afraid I will do suicide.

I'm too powerless to even try.

In these few days I could saw change in me.

Outer change.

I used to take care of me, and even tried to look good.

Now, I dont even want to look my self from mirror.

The dark areas under my eyes have become darker,

and my eyes are red because I have cried so much.

I dont know how to speak,

my words are more like whispers.

They might go away.

Why would I have to look good,

or be in good condition?

I have nobody who will look at me,

nobody who remainds that I need to look good,

and strong.

I'm not strong,

not at all.

Just weak.

I have been down few times,

but this one has hurt most.

So klishee.

I kinda wished you still stalk me in here.

I was right.

That makes me think you care even little.

*sigh*

I would have so much to write and say and ugh, but I feel so empty now. Maybe later.