I actually wrote this up in my notebook, so I could remember it later. My mind is so blurred and messed up right now so I cannot think anything propeply.
I still miss you so bad,
And I want to see you
One last time.
But I not sure could
I take the pain that
it will give me.
I just want to repet over and over
how sorry I am.
And still,
I'm terribly in love with you.
I want to keep saying that too.
After all,
I cannot do any of these.
All that come out is tears.
I just want you,
Only thing that I deny from my self,
you.
And the only thing I want more than everything.
So sorry for all the pain I cause.
But we had all good times too,
right?
I just got your message today,
it made me cry.
Pff....
what does not make me cry?
I could list all the song I have listen over and over and over again.
I know all the words,
and all the words hit me so bad inside of me.
Am I over reacting?
Am I being a dramaqueen in you eyes?
I rarely show my real feelings,
just being "fine".
Now that I'm not fine,
am I just "attencion whore"?
Because I know,
no, I hope
that you two also are sad.
But I hope that your not unhappy.
But I think it's hard to belive you are sad.
Tought I'm not hoping for you to show it.
Oh, I'm being too complicated again,
I'm not even understanding my self anymore.
I dont know what I want.
Well I know one thing that I want,
I have been dreaming for it for couple of days now.
I want to hug you so tight,
and say I'm sorry.
D'uh,
I need to stop saying that,
It wont change a thing anymore.
And yesterday.
I started to think all good things we used to have.
And I realized once again how ass I have been.
I loved most one tiny thing you did.
Guess what it was?
I loved so much to
wake up in the mornign for that
your cold fingers were on my cheek and
you kissed me and
said "good morning honey".
It was something I will always going to miss.
Now everytime I wake
I hope you would be sitting on my bed
and looking at me.
I so wish it.
I probably never said it out loud.
I should've have.
I never say out loud if I like someting that you do,
I just keep saying how stupid things you do and
what I dont like.
I might have even told you why,
well first because I'm crappy to show my emotions
and second
I dont say nice things out loud because
I'm afraid they will disappear after that.
And even tought I wont say them they still
disappear, because I didnt say them.
Ironic, isn't it?
All I have left of you is
pile of papers.
I read all of them over and over.
And wished they would still be true.
I cant belive them anymore,
I just wish.
Are you doing these poems to her now?
Is she your life now?
The one that takes you breath away?
Or is she your Jacob?
I started to read New Moon again,
I think it wasnt best choise,
but still I want to keep hurting my self in that way.
So I know I'm not just imagine.
"the pain reminds me that he was real"
I just change one word and it would be correct.
And am I theatric if I say I can relate to that book?
In all three characters.
Edward, because I have been that cold ass,
and because I'm so martyristik.
Bella, because I fucking know how hurt I am,
and how lost I am.
Jake, because I'm the third weel.
The sad part is that I dont have happy ending,
well, "dont worry it will go away"
thats what everyone keeps saying to me.
It will go away, I admit it.
But it will take a lot of time,
since I have no Jacob in my life.
By Jacob I mean
I dont have my own sun,
the one that cures me from this shit.
I dont have Bella or Roxas no more in my life.
Mom noticed today I'm not fine.
She saw the horrible scar of mine.
And she was sad,
I could see it in her.
Of couse she's worrying of me,
I am her daugter after all.
She left away today.
I'm all alone in this house for the weekend.
She asked me many time do I want her to stay here.
I said no, no, no,no.
I saw the dissapointment and worry in her eyes.
She's afraid I will do suicide.
I'm too powerless to even try.
In these few days I could saw change in me.
Outer change.
I used to take care of me, and even tried to look good.
Now, I dont even want to look my self from mirror.
The dark areas under my eyes have become darker,
and my eyes are red because I have cried so much.
I dont know how to speak,
my words are more like whispers.
They might go away.
Why would I have to look good,
or be in good condition?
I have nobody who will look at me,
nobody who remainds that I need to look good,
and strong.
I'm not strong,
not at all.
Just weak.
I have been down few times,
but this one has hurt most.
So klishee.
I kinda wished you still stalk me in here.
I was right.
That makes me think you care even little.
*sigh*
I would have so much to write and say and ugh, but I feel so empty now. Maybe later.
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